(no subject)

It's 8:30.. My niece and nephew are here. I don't remember knowing that they'd be here today.
It's cloudy..
There's a scheduled raid at 11am. Am not sure if I want to go. Plane of Sky. Easy to mess up, hard to retrieve your corpse.

Was so tired last night I wasn't making sense. Fell asleep around 10pm instead of 1 am. Forgot to turn humidifier on.

Must finish baby quilt for Chris and Caroline's baby. Am surprised one of my male cousins is finally procreating. I feel so much joy for them.

The other things:
I just don't know.
I still do not know.

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Wedding rings and memories

Alice needed cuddles this morning.
She and I talked a lot about many things that felt deep and haunting.
She has a way of cutting right to the heart of matters sometimes. She's 5 after all.

She was holding my hand. She said, "it's nice you keep this wedding ring on." She paused and looked into my eyes for a moment, before absentmindedly playing with the ring on my finger again. She said "it's good dad has his wedding ring to wear, it reminds him that he's married to you."

I said "do you think if he took it off, he'd forget that he was married?"
She nodded her head up and down in a yes motion and said "he's taken it off before.."


And then I cried.

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(no subject)

Tonight his breathing makes a gentle pop sound with each inhale.i won't sleep until the noise stops, but I don't have the heart to wake him so he can reposition.

Tonight felt bad and heavy. It felt confusing and upsetting.

I've felt valid in my immaturity and my interest in ignoring my emotional health, but times are changing.

I just don't think I can feel the full brunt of the feelings get without completely breaking again.

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(no subject)

Yesterday was beautiful and sunny. I've been flying on a weird manic spree... But last night things took a dip. Life felt bad and heavy and I started crying.
I felt emotional on edge even though I pulled it together. I went to Sally's house and she gave me some crazy crazy beautiful yarn for a shawl I will start soon.
I came home and made a disgusting strong drink. Hmm.

Then I played EQ and it wasn't as fun or funny as I wanted it to be. My emotions feel dull and stupid.

The dreams last night were full of her :( full of me feeling the most vulnerable and her humiliating me publicly... And then there was pain and violence. It takes no dream interpretation at all.

It's May again.
It's the month it all came out and my story was changed forever.

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Distraction as a cure for anxiety.

Since I've been playing EQ again I am not myself. I just dont CARE as much about a lot of things. I dont get anxious before people come over.. I still clean and try to make sure it looks okay, but the level of soul crushing anxiety is reduced.. maybe even by about 80-90% less than it used to be.

Last night we went to my friend Liz's house for dinner. She invited us pretty last minute over for brats, salad and rhubarb crisp. I showered and got dressed and wore makeup and contacts which felt like a big deal, sorta.. but I forgot to be anxious.. I'm usually scared to death of her husband who is a smart, intimidating man... who has a somewhat teasing/shit-giving sense of humor that usually freaks me out fairly badly.. i can't handle teasing, I take it too seriously and sometimes secretly cry in the bathroom around these types of people.

About an hour into the evening I realize I forgot to be anxious before I left... that I forgot to feel shy and anxious when we got there.. that I've been interacting normally.... (for me) and am getting along fine. Feeling comfortable.

We played croquet. They do not drink.. I couldn't hide behind alcohol... it was fine. It wasn't just fine.. it was enjoyable without my crippling social anxiety.
I'm flummoxed.

Last week we had one of Laurel's friends over. I didn't do my week long anxiety attack of freaking out and cleaning. Yes I tried to get the kids to clean up. I cleaned quite a bit... and I felt a vague tickle of anxiety... This is one of the son's of someone deeply involved at the school. Someone that usually intimidates the hell out of me. ...
and it was fine. Really fine. I really like her. She's enjoyable and easy to plan playdates with. She's easy going and flexible. She's tiny and cute and I forgot to wonder what she thinks of me.
I am enjoying my interactions with people... but sometimes I just dont want to to interact.
I am a bit more reclusive.
and I feel like I'm not connecting with people on the same level.. we have less in common... and because I'm not over analyzing every breath and pause in conversation... because I'm not replaying the conversation in my head, worrying about every detail for hours and hours after the convo is over... I feel ... slightly detached.

but .. I think I could get used to this?

I do wish I could step back and look at myself and gauge how "normal" I am seeming... am I keeping up appearances? I dont know..
and most days I just dont care anymore.

Part of me thinks this sounds like depression...
another part thinks this sounds like progress.

Boring chronically about deodorant making..

Yesterday I made home-made deodorant. For years I have felt a discomfort when I think about all the chemicals I'm applying to what seems like a sensitive area. Armpits seem like they should be treated almost like internal space.. A weird feeling I'm sure, it obviously seems external to most.. But.. Eh. Okay, so I'm weird.
I have a few "natural" deodorants that aren't very effective..
So I've been keeping the regular, drugstore kind around, along with Kiss My Face.. And now I have one comprised of coconut oil, arrowroot powder, and baking soda, and essential oils.

I've found myself highly attracted to jasmine recently. I always loved the smell, but it was so off my radar that I never actually made the connection.. I just saw my first jasmine plant this summer and I stared at it, not knowing the name of this cute plant making this INCREDIBLE smell.
This winter I realized that my favorite body wash from Lush is full of jasmine, and the body butter I got as a gift is super heady with jasmine and honey (and weird chemicals because it's from the body shop.)

While at Chucks for knit night (Chucks is a local produce store that is somewhat similar to whole foods, high prices, lots of organic and natural) I looked for jasmine essential oil. Instead of finding actual eo I ended up buying a little roller of jojoba oil scented with jasmine.
The next day found me though in another store, staring at a rack of eos. I bought jasmine, and on an impulse I also bought geranium eo. Geranium is a nostalgic scent, from my teen years when I spent the summer working at the family greenhouse..
Would they combine well? I didn't even care. It spoke to me.

At home I mixed up the recipe, added lavender to the geranium and far far too much jasmine.. Oh it's so stinky! Oh well.. It's a good combo, I think I just need to apply it sparingly.

This morning I spent some time looking up the properties of the eos I chose. I chose them mostly for scent purposes, with a bit of gut feeling to back it up. I studied aromatherapy and herbal medicine from books as a hobby for years and years as a teen and young adult. The oils I chose seem to support happy moods, serenity, mental well being, support libido and most of them are a bit anti microbial. Everything I could ask for in a deodorant.

Notes:
the deodorant is a bit gritty. Imagine the feeling of applying baking soda paste to your skin.. It's pretty similar. I find that if my skin is wet, right out of the shower that it's easy to get a nice thin coat and the grittiness is far less noticeable.

I poured the mix into an empty, clean deodorant container (re-used from some grocery store kind) I was afraid it was an utter failure, because the deodorant failed to advance as I turned the bottom part.. I was certain it should be set up .. What was the problem? Finally I ran the whole thing under very hot water to make the outside layer more fluid and then it advanced properly. This sort of thing has happened with magic stick as well, it's hard to get it moving at first, but once it's been moved within its mold it's easier from then on.

My initial test left me feeling a teensy itchy. It made me worry, but no rash developed, no irritation.. And after I showered and reapplied (a super thin coat, on wet skin) I didn't notice any additional itchiness

This morning I don't notice any discernible body odor, nor any residual fragrance. Joel stuck is nose in my armpit and sniffed deeply (I was a bit taken aback) and had no complaints. (Weirdo).

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(no subject)

I probably need to develop a plan of action to get back on my running plan. I think of can do 5 minute intervals without a problem. I'll probably start with 5 sets for 1-2 runs and then throw in a 1 mile continuous run to see if that's a viable re-starting part. From there I should be able to ramp back up fairly fast.. It's only about a month that I've been off the wagon. I managed to run about 4 times in the month of December. Pathetic, I know! I did a few 30 day shred sessions, and an elliptical session.. I wasn't entirely sedentary.

I've been thinking about joining a running club or something.

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(no subject)

We left the cat in the house while we were gone. We thought he was outside.. So I put his food out there. We came home to a freaked out cat who had peed and pooped on Alice's bed. We can't tell how many times or how much more we'll find.
He seems okay. He knows how to drink from toilets. He ate some food and a lot of yogurt.. He's crying for attention.

I'm glad he didn't die.
I feel vaguely upset that I didn't insist on going back in to check and make sure he was out. I told Joel I wanted to but he told me that the cat was out.

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