Winter is always rough but last one was especially so. Each day felt darker than the rest. I wished desperately to do anything to break away from the hopeless rut I was in but the doldrums of every day was all that I had... the very things that tether me here and ground me were overwhelming to be a part of. In some way those routines protect me. I can't kill myself, who would take the kids to karate. I can not kill myself today, I haven't done the dishes yet.
When my cousin died, some 24 years ago, and I watched my family go through the pain of losing her... I knew deep down that suicide wouldn't ever be the right answer. How could I ever willingly put my family through that?
Dont get me wrong, my depression lies to me like everyone else. It tells me that I wouldn't be as missed, that I am not as loved. That she was so much more worthy of living than I... oh for years how I wished to trade her life for mine.. please please.. why couldn't I have been taken instead.
Last winter though, all of the reasons and groundings that I have ... just disappeared. I felt completely and totally numb, and resolve set in. I started planning.
I felt detachment and a strange sort of dual consciousness. Very out of the body, observer position but still with some rational cognitive thought. On a day that was semi sunny and mostly dry I drove myself to a nearby park. Its very wooded, lots of trails. No one was around. I knew I needed exercise.. it was an attempt to pull myself out of these dangerous thought patterns with the power of exercise but it was fairly ineffective.
I walked through the park, visualizing how my corpse would look under the particularly interesting trees. my mind played out the grim theatre of what it would be like to take my last breaths. I looked on in morbid fascination as my mind played out the scenarios. How long would it take to find my body?
I got back into the car after my walk and realized I had no idea HOW i would even go about such a thing. I dont have a gun, dont want a gun... None of the other things I could think of sounded right. I briefly considered driving my car off a bridge but .. drowning..
and then there'd be the car! for some reason this is where it all hit a road block. I couldn't leave my family without the car. They'd have to deal with buying a new car AND dealing with what I'd done...
Ridiculous. Thats when I broke down. out of all the stupidest things thats what pulled me out.
Before my cousin died I remember telling her that I didn't want to be alive. That I wished I'd never been born.
I've been thinking about this shit for nearly 30 years now. At what point is it just -time-. I have exhausted every single caring shoulder, I have bored, frustrated, saddened and depressed every willing ear. At this point in the journey I think that there's probably a good number of people willing me to just do it already.. so that they can have quiet. So that I can finally be at peace.
I actually tried to make NEW friends this year with the intention of having new ears to hear me through this winter.
... but then covid 19 happened and .. well I wasn't ever any good at making friends anyway.
Things definitely took a downturn when I stopped journaling.
I think the old brain needs to just purge thought sometimes. Organize or .. just spew.. i dont know.
For now, thats the new coping plan. Purge. Purge. Purge.
I am safe. for now
"But I have promises to keep,
and miles to go before I sleep,
and miles to go before I sleep."