Life in spiral (faetal) wrote,
Life in spiral

On Fighting.

I have been fighting my whole life. Fighting my genetics, my past, my experience, my perception.. Fighting myself. The thing about fighting is that when it's done ineffectively you're only left exhausted, and disheartened, and with your ass kicked. You have no energy left to protect yourself, let alone to attack back.
At some point your only option is to lay down and accept it, to admit defeat. To be broken and ruined.

Or you could, you know..
learn how to fight.

We enrolled the kids in Karate classes at a local studio here in town. The focus and order, structure and energy of the place makes me grin ear to ear. The kids were unsure of how they would enjoy it, but have quickly begun to not only enjoy it, but also excel at it. As a perk of having two kids enrolled, they offered me free classes. Adult Kungfu with the Gi and the bowing and such, or a much more casual (in clothing and tradition) martial art called Krava Maga.

I considered it, but I got pretty freaked out when I watched sparring videos. This stuff is hardcore, and its scary, and its aggressive. It is everything I am not.
I'd given up the idea of doing it and wasn't asked again if I wanted to try, until a coordinator at the studio sorta corner me and asked if I wanted to and .. completely thrown off guard I had no excuse to throw at her. I said yes, and the very next day I was there.

I've swam laps at pools, gone to the gym and lifted weights or hit the treadmill, or elliptical or cycle .. whatever. I've tried my hand at running... I've played wii fit and dancing games.. I've tried hula hooping and jump rope as fitness plans, but never, before this class have I ever learned to SWEAT.
I sweat freely, and disgustingly. I sweat unapologetically.

I still dont feel more aggressive or assertive in my every day life yet. I dont feel any more prepared to take on an attacker. My main baseline defense is to shriek and flail wildly and ineffectively.. but I am hopeful that overtime training will kick in and somehow fuse the practice to my instincts.

I am happy though.

My genuine self is almost certainly a non-violent hippie sort... Very much not this.. I was afraid I would damage my ideals..
but I haven't.

I can see my genuine self and she likes this a lot.

I'm tired of exhausting myself being ineffective and inefficient. It's time to learn to fight.

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