Life in spiral (faetal) wrote,
Life in spiral


Something happened when I started demanding that I deserved things.
Slowly, very slowly, im starting to worthy of things.

A bit ago I decided that I was going to cosmetic remodel my craft room space, and since the money was already earmarked for the project.. The only thing standing in my way was myself. There's a lot of shit that was contained in this room. Too many hobbies, too many boxes shoved full of shit at the last moment before a move. My grandmothers' things from when we cleaned out her craft room when she died.

The room was bad, really unpleasant, and it's been my space.. The rest of the house was made vaguely live able .. But my space was left... Disgustingly dirty because we didn't ever clean it before we moved in.. And it was the first room we just filled with -stuff-

I could go on, and have.. Gone on about the remodel.
The flooring went in last weekend and the process made me feel closer to Joel. We didn't fight, we seemed to appreciate eachother.. And it went smoothly, it felt like a team effort. I kept waiting for the stress but it didn't happen.

Now little needs to be done to finish up, cabinetry to hold all the stuff remains, but for now the plastic bins of stuff will be awkwardly stacked in here to ugly up the place.

But the changes that are occurring are more than the cosmetics of the room. I feel healthier, more whole. I feel amazing that I get to be in a beautiful space.. One that I thought up and orchestrated to the best of my ability.
I feel like this is the sort of space where important work gets done.. Important means.. Whimsical, deep, life changing, inspiring. I'm not embarrassed of this space.

I don't know why but Joel allowed me much more leeway with this space. Thusly it feels like I was able to make decisions, not fearfully worrying if he'll like it or not. It came together fast and well because of that decisiveness that came with the power of ownership.

This feels like a room I can sew wonderful things in.. Write books in, paint and draw. It feels like a room I want to BE in. Very little spaces in our house make me fee like that. I've come to feel that way about our bedroom but it also feels unfinished and crappy.. The rest of the house can feel unwelcoming at times.
But I also feel an insane need to plan out and execute the minutia of a room in order to really own it, and when we bought the house we had a very short amount of time to make it clean and live-able. We've not decorated or customized as much as I think we wanted to yet.

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