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Distraction as a cure for anxiety.

Since I've been playing EQ again I am not myself. I just dont CARE as much about a lot of things. I dont get anxious before people come over.. I still clean and try to make sure it looks okay, but the level of soul crushing anxiety is reduced.. maybe even by about 80-90% less than it used to be.

Last night we went to my friend Liz's house for dinner. She invited us pretty last minute over for brats, salad and rhubarb crisp. I showered and got dressed and wore makeup and contacts which felt like a big deal, sorta.. but I forgot to be anxious.. I'm usually scared to death of her husband who is a smart, intimidating man... who has a somewhat teasing/shit-giving sense of humor that usually freaks me out fairly badly.. i can't handle teasing, I take it too seriously and sometimes secretly cry in the bathroom around these types of people.

About an hour into the evening I realize I forgot to be anxious before I left... that I forgot to feel shy and anxious when we got there.. that I've been interacting normally.... (for me) and am getting along fine. Feeling comfortable.

We played croquet. They do not drink.. I couldn't hide behind alcohol... it was fine. It wasn't just fine.. it was enjoyable without my crippling social anxiety.
I'm flummoxed.

Last week we had one of Laurel's friends over. I didn't do my week long anxiety attack of freaking out and cleaning. Yes I tried to get the kids to clean up. I cleaned quite a bit... and I felt a vague tickle of anxiety... This is one of the son's of someone deeply involved at the school. Someone that usually intimidates the hell out of me. ...
and it was fine. Really fine. I really like her. She's enjoyable and easy to plan playdates with. She's easy going and flexible. She's tiny and cute and I forgot to wonder what she thinks of me.
I am enjoying my interactions with people... but sometimes I just dont want to to interact.
I am a bit more reclusive.
and I feel like I'm not connecting with people on the same level.. we have less in common... and because I'm not over analyzing every breath and pause in conversation... because I'm not replaying the conversation in my head, worrying about every detail for hours and hours after the convo is over... I feel ... slightly detached.

but .. I think I could get used to this?

I do wish I could step back and look at myself and gauge how "normal" I am seeming... am I keeping up appearances? I dont know..
and most days I just dont care anymore.

Part of me thinks this sounds like depression...
another part thinks this sounds like progress.

Dudes, the effort required to turn slightly and pick up the remote to put on a show is really really a lot. Feel fine when completely still. Any movement brings bad.

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Yesterday I made home-made deodorant. For years I have felt a discomfort when I think about all the chemicals I'm applying to what seems like a sensitive area. Armpits seem like they should be treated almost like internal space.. A weird feeling I'm sure, it obviously seems external to most.. But.. Eh. Okay, so I'm weird.
I have a few "natural" deodorants that aren't very effective..
So I've been keeping the regular, drugstore kind around, along with Kiss My Face.. And now I have one comprised of coconut oil, arrowroot powder, and baking soda, and essential oils.

I've found myself highly attracted to jasmine recently. I always loved the smell, but it was so off my radar that I never actually made the connection.. I just saw my first jasmine plant this summer and I stared at it, not knowing the name of this cute plant making this INCREDIBLE smell.
This winter I realized that my favorite body wash from Lush is full of jasmine, and the body butter I got as a gift is super heady with jasmine and honey (and weird chemicals because it's from the body shop.)

While at Chucks for knit night (Chucks is a local produce store that is somewhat similar to whole foods, high prices, lots of organic and natural) I looked for jasmine essential oil. Instead of finding actual eo I ended up buying a little roller of jojoba oil scented with jasmine.
The next day found me though in another store, staring at a rack of eos. I bought jasmine, and on an impulse I also bought geranium eo. Geranium is a nostalgic scent, from my teen years when I spent the summer working at the family greenhouse..
Would they combine well? I didn't even care. It spoke to me.

At home I mixed up the recipe, added lavender to the geranium and far far too much jasmine.. Oh it's so stinky! Oh well.. It's a good combo, I think I just need to apply it sparingly.

This morning I spent some time looking up the properties of the eos I chose. I chose them mostly for scent purposes, with a bit of gut feeling to back it up. I studied aromatherapy and herbal medicine from books as a hobby for years and years as a teen and young adult. The oils I chose seem to support happy moods, serenity, mental well being, support libido and most of them are a bit anti microbial. Everything I could ask for in a deodorant.

the deodorant is a bit gritty. Imagine the feeling of applying baking soda paste to your skin.. It's pretty similar. I find that if my skin is wet, right out of the shower that it's easy to get a nice thin coat and the grittiness is far less noticeable.

I poured the mix into an empty, clean deodorant container (re-used from some grocery store kind) I was afraid it was an utter failure, because the deodorant failed to advance as I turned the bottom part.. I was certain it should be set up .. What was the problem? Finally I ran the whole thing under very hot water to make the outside layer more fluid and then it advanced properly. This sort of thing has happened with magic stick as well, it's hard to get it moving at first, but once it's been moved within its mold it's easier from then on.

My initial test left me feeling a teensy itchy. It made me worry, but no rash developed, no irritation.. And after I showered and reapplied (a super thin coat, on wet skin) I didn't notice any additional itchiness

This morning I don't notice any discernible body odor, nor any residual fragrance. Joel stuck is nose in my armpit and sniffed deeply (I was a bit taken aback) and had no complaints. (Weirdo).

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I probably need to develop a plan of action to get back on my running plan. I think of can do 5 minute intervals without a problem. I'll probably start with 5 sets for 1-2 runs and then throw in a 1 mile continuous run to see if that's a viable re-starting part. From there I should be able to ramp back up fairly fast.. It's only about a month that I've been off the wagon. I managed to run about 4 times in the month of December. Pathetic, I know! I did a few 30 day shred sessions, and an elliptical session.. I wasn't entirely sedentary.

I've been thinking about joining a running club or something.

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Dec. 29th, 2013

We left the cat in the house while we were gone. We thought he was outside.. So I put his food out there. We came home to a freaked out cat who had peed and pooped on Alice's bed. We can't tell how many times or how much more we'll find.
He seems okay. He knows how to drink from toilets. He ate some food and a lot of yogurt.. He's crying for attention.

I'm glad he didn't die.
I feel vaguely upset that I didn't insist on going back in to check and make sure he was out. I told Joel I wanted to but he told me that the cat was out.

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Nov. 22nd, 2013

I'm most dangerous when I'm saying very little

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Joel's been "playing" this language learning app, and finally I downloaded it as well.
Currently I'm trying to "test out" of the basic Spanish stuff. It's becoming glaringly obvious that my 2 years of middle school Spanish and 3 years of high school Spanish taught me very little retainable knowledge. Sure, I have some vocabulary words stored away, but conjugation? That was always a struggle for me and still, apparently, is.
I should have just started with another language that I'd be fresh and excited about… but Joel is relearning his high school foreign language (German), so I thought I'd do the same with mine.

I want to learn French, desperately! Only because I think it sounds sexy. I have no one to speak french with.
My mother used to speak quite a bit of German and she spent several years living abroad in Austria when she was a child. After the stroke she would sometimes say certain things in German. Of course I have no idea how much she has stored away in there, or what is accessible anymore with all the aphasia and apraxia and such

I forget my point.

So, maybe I'll have a new little thing to talk about. Maybe my brain will expand a little bit. Maybe I should go clean my craft room.

Petty, immature.

I should be over it, but I'm not. I'm still heart broken, outraged, and completely shaken.

I will never be the same.

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I think a lot about conditional and subjective truths. I can think of many true statements that completely contradict each other, especially in the realm of emotions. There are some big things roaming around in my head. There is no way to prove them as true or false. They just are.

Stream of consciousness.
I think my neighbors died.

My ears are buzzing.

When I volunteer in the kindergarten class I do not wish to come home and help the kindergartener with homework.

My lungs are sore.

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I stopped reading that book, and I stopped yoga. I can't clear my head. Only sleep escapes, but not really.. Nightmares.. And sleep rumination!! Unfinished chores and words unsaid and a tornado of possible situations.

For now I sink into the functional mania place, until the party is over.. And then... Then... I guess I start again.
Tomorrow, 9:30 am coffee with friend from high school.
Weekend: get all the shit done

Monday: Laurels birthday, work meeting, watch Tucker?, dinner out if that gets approved.
Tuesday: volunteering in the Kindergarten classroom. A little nervous

Thursday will likely be more volunteering at school, in second grade..

Saturday party... Must find a way to make VERY special because it will not be as amazing as Alice's party. Small house venue, less guests, harder theme..
Thankfully she said I don't need to make her a robe.

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