how great is it that Alice looks at books, sees pictures of cats and says, "meoooowww dat ticky!" (meow thats a kitty)

My to do: list has weird things on it. Like:
Make blog post.
feed sourdough starter
fill bird feeder

I also have to clean and go grocery shopping, so.. its not too weird.

okay, i'm boring, just looking for something interesting to say. Failing.

I want to change my email address, but its finally to the point where it'd be a huge deal to update everyone's and every sites info with a new one. It makes me unhappy because I just sorta want to ditch the silly email addresses and have a grown up one with my name. I'm not trying to be crazy and silly and anonymous on the internet anymore.

Note to self:
Do not, not not go to story time/read and play without a sling.

so, I had about 4 drinks last night. Unfortunately "a drink" is not equal to a shot, or a beer or whatever, very strong.
I had a good time, saw tons of friends, felt friendly, had nice things said to me, and possibly said nice things to others. Was forced to sing ace of base with jessie, tried to keep my mouth away from the microphone as much as possible, oh boy.
Said embarrassing things to people, I'm sure. I may have offended/hurt peoples feelings, but I dont remember doing so.. I just have a tendency to do that. Talked art, which is a nice bar topic.
Came home around 1, but sat around on the computer and talked at people. ... I dont think I said anything particularly embarrassing, cept maybe girl talking with Anika, but thats no big dealsy I dont think. Drank water. Didn't feel too badly, but obviously was not doing well. I remember having to squint really hard to be able to read these impossibly small words on the computer screen. hah.
woke up at 7:40, to a totally quiet house. Woke up Joel because we were supposed to be watching niece and nephew again... but uh, they .. uh weren't there... did we sleep through them showing up??
nope, they were just running late.
tried to go back to sleep... headache
finally I got up and threw up. Felt much better, was able to sleep again.

now, finally after 4.5 hours of being up and having eaten fast food and having showered and gotten on with the day at least a little bit.. I feel pretty okay.

I feel the need to add several peoples on livejournal, but am not sure i can remember who they are. What an awkward bar scene, and yet completely satisfying at the same awkward time. Mara (if that IS the way you spell your name, and I'm completely sure it is not) I hope to add you soon when I remember who you are, even though I've asked you several times in person. peasnerpants, I'm sure I'll get to you soon.

Alice has a whole repertoire of new words and phrases. It seems like some days she says 3 or 4 new things. Other days nothing.

She saw the toilet in the laundryroom. (i know, what a strange place for a toilet.) She said "Potty!!" pretty clearly, and did the sign for it, YAY! Then she pointed to the brand sticker thing on it. She tried to pick it off with her finger, and exclaimed, "It's STUCK!!!"
Later she pointed a picture of a cat and said, "meeoow!"
She meows all the time, in her very best cat imitation of a cat.
I pointed to a picture of Clifford in a book, I asked her what it was and she said, "Doggie!"
She also learned the word "owie" yesterday, just in time for her blood draw.
She points at old owies even and says "ow, ooowwww, oowwie" in a very pathetic tone even though they dont actually hurt her anymore. She's becoming a very dramatic toddler. big screaming tantrums on the floor. I say, "Alice, come here!" and she says through faked sobs, "No.. NOOOOO noooo *sob* no!" She'll be fine and running around laughing only seconds later.
She's still our goofy happy child. She re-learned how to stick out her tongue yesterday, and likes to stick it out and spin in circles until she falls over laughing.


I've been told to look for paleness and lethargy. Also to look for signs of jaundice. If these occur we're to get her to a doctor asap for blood level testing and possible blood transfusions.

It sounds really scary, but I'm trying to keep it together. We're hoping it never happens. There's a big possibility it wont ever happen. After all, Either Joel or I have this as well, or both of us do... and neither of us have needed blood transfusions.

I'm full of regular holiday type stresses, and then there's the weird crime drama at my grandma's house, her recent health scare, and Alice's medical testing. There's also a pretty big shadow of depression symptoms that hang over me and make my every day existence difficult. I'm most definitely in some sort of funk. I seem to be able to pull out of it when a situation arises in which I want to, or need to be more functional. Usually those situations are outside my every day norm though... emergencies or social things. ... Its the coping with laundry and dishes and dusting... coping with my own children ... those things are hard right now... these are the places I'm failing. I'm unmotivated, exhausted, emotional. Rest doesn't seem to help, coffee doesn't touch my fog anymore, even with the 6 cups I'm drinking a day. Life..
It goes on.

I just dont seem to be completely on board with it.

I'm a big ball of stress.

So my Grandma calls, she says a car ran into her front porch.
I think she thought she hung up when the officer came to the door, but she hadnt, so I eavesdropped. He said the guy had been involved in a fight, been shot, and had taken off in his car, running into her house.
She had said that she saw him get out of the car.
So, yeah, some guy is dead on my grandma's lawn and a ton of police are there, and its all covered yellow tape and all.
Grandma is in surprising good spirits, though I think she's a little pissed about the damage to her property.



I'm so glad we didnt end up buying a house in Rosemere. (sorry, its called Rose Village now?)

woah

Edited to add:
Blurb in the Columbian about it. Though, I seriously hope there's no one in my grandmothers house that the police want to arrest.
(Though, my mom did walk over and sneak in so she could peek at the action over there)

Extra holiday to dos:

make a few more snowflake patterns. Offer them for free or actually get my act together and make some pdfs.

cut more snowflakes. I have some geeky ideas afoot, and would like to devote some time to them.

holiday sewing. Making the girls angel costumes, not sure why... i like the imagery of angels even though I'm not very religious. I like fairies a lot and I sorta lump them all together.

gingerbread house! I think Laurel would appreciate this activity this year, so I think we'll give it a go.

more holiday decorating of course, and presents and the norm...

fruit cake!!! I'd really like to bring some fruitcake to the holiday thing my family is having at the beach.

Traveling on Christmas day, eeek.

I've been up for a few minutes and already Alice has said about 4 or 5 new words.
Bear, Mine (uh oh) Hello, and Tree.

language explosion for breakfast anyone?

Dear Santa Claus by Jack Prelutsky

Dear Santa Claus,
It’s me again reminding you I’m here,
I’m making my list easier and shorter than last year.


I’d like a stack of comic books,
a dozen apple pies,
a box of chocolate brownies,
and an elephant that flies,
a porpoise for the bathtub
and a dragon for my room,
a robot that does homework and can also use a broom.

And I’d like a hippopotamus,
a trumpet, and a drum,
I could use a half a dollar
And a million sticks of gum.

Just leave them underneath our tree or near our fireplace,
Oh! you probably won’t bring them,
But I’m writing...just in case.

We've been trying to figure out the Christmas light situation. I really would like to decorate the outside of the house. I really love holidays and sorta want to be over the top, but I want to be fun, or creative, or elegant.. or all three.. or at very least I want to avoid being tacky.

I sorta love houses around town that really over decorate, but that wont be our house. I do wish my neighbors would decorate, but all the big split levels on my street have yet to put up lights... it makes me wonder if they DO put up lights... and if they dont.. I wonder if its because its so difficult.
These are the issues we're running into... we have a decent sized ladder, bit it will NOT reach the highest point on our roof. However, the second story roof line does still have hooks that we assume have been used for christmas light hanging. we think for sure that we can utilize these and some sort of pole system, though I doubt it'll look very clean and neat. on our lower roof area we had new gutters and facia boards put on, so we've lost the existing hooks. We've flippantly looked at some light systems, but really want to figure out what would be best. I'd gladly pay a decent amount to have someone safely install a system and put our lights up this year if it would mean easy and safe light putting up on years to come.

I'd really love to do net lights on our front Japanese Maple, and maybe on our hedge, but I'm not sure how much lights Joel wants to do. Joel is against multi lights, which makes me sad, because I think they are the most festive of all lights. He says it reminds him of a carnival.


We got our tree up, its full of all the ornaments we own.. I was looking forward to doing a theme tree and another tree (the clown barf tree ?) but thats not going to happen THIS year for sure.

I probably keep in touch with my internet Bertha friend more than anyone else. (except maybe my mom? .... maybe. Oh, and of course my family that shares my house does not count).
We chat using IM. We follow each others tweets ,(which I rarely tweet, but I check it every few days :P ) blogs, and flickr photostreams. I myspace and facebook and I dont think she does either. .. and we dont text eachother on the phone, but seriously..
when a few days pass and I havent heard something from her on one of the variety of places that we communicate.. I start freaking.
like, not "omg! a terrible accident has befallen her!"
but instead like, "OMG! how's that blanket coming along that she's making, what is she knitting? Did she ever figure out what she was going to do with the scarf and the orla bag?? AND WHAT OF THE SKINNY JEAN DILEMMA?! "

not to mention, I sent her a package and have been awaiting to see if she got it, and if she also thinks that chai chocolate sounds like a good idea, but is super vom. in real life.

yeah. so this is like my most shallow sounding post ever.

hah.

I served dinner about an hour late yesterday. I dont think thats too bad considering that I lost about 6 hours of holiday prep going to and from the hospital with grandma's health scare.
She was at Thanksgiving dinner, but tired and swollen. When I'd picked her up from the hospital we'd had a big incident because her saline lock thing hadnt stopped bleeding enough when she got up and there was blood everywhere, no nurses in the room.
I grabbed a paper towel and put pressure on top of her bandage... blood blood blood.
The nurses came, but by that time I think I'd stopped the bleeding. They cleaned everything up and popped her in a wheel chair and wheeled her to my car. It's nice to see what kind of level is maybe not even an emergency type thing, i mean, it seemed like a lot of blood, but I guess it wasnt at all. Having kids in the house, little injuries that bleed more than a few drops scare me out of my wits. Alice got a cut the other day and we almost took her in for stitches. I almost wish we had because we think she might have a scar.

My Aunt left a nice comment to me on Facebook and also called me to tell me what a star she thinks I am, what with being there for my grandma without hesitation. I cant imagine anyone else in my family not doing the same thing though. Heck I might even be one that would complain more than others. I think Aunt is relieved that I'm grown up enough to be a viable person in these situations. I dont WANT to deal with them, of course. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of aging and death. I'm really uneasy with the circle of life right now.. have been for a long time. .. Now its increasingly difficult because I want my girls to be happy and healthy and supported. I want to be helpful when they have babies, because its REALLY hard work to not have a fantastic support system when you're a new mom. I'm no longer afraid of dying just for my sake.. I mean, sure its a scary thing to think about going on a journey that you cant research... you're unsure of the destination.. you know nothing about the travel conditions. ... but really, the fear lies in my children and loved ones.. I dont want them to hurt.

I slept a lot of hours... or rather, slept in very late. I still feel... crippled. I feel like I'm leaning over and my feet feel crunchy.. painful. How will I work off the 2 pounds I've gained from EAT-DAY?


I guess I should figure out if Joel has the day off, and if so what we're doing with the extra time.
Should pack up the china. Should think about putting the Tree up... It sure is early, but.. it makes me smile.

am home from the hospital.
Grandma called around 3 pm because she was feeling badly and drove herself into the doctor. An EKG was done and she was sent to the hospital for another.. and then an angiogram.
Only at this point did she call me, because she was concerned about her car... and because she knew she'd need a ride home when she got out of the hospital.

I turned into a robot and was able to call all necessary family members and let them know what was going on, sorta. Once a certain branch of family knows I'm totally off the hook and everyone takes care of everything.


Lots of lack of information, mom and I get to the hospital, in time to see her before the procedure. Good news on the test, they didnt see anything wrong, everything looks great. Bad news is, we dont know why she was having the pain.


so,
That was my afternoon. Now back to freaking out about the holiday that no longer seems very important.

I sincerely hope that my flakiness has never toyed with your emotions.

okay, so this caramel sauce, unlike the first two, is a tad overcooked. It has a slight bitter note to it, and by that I mean it tastes like toffee. It tastes.. like almond rocha.... which is fantastic!
I guess when its overcooked its not as thick, but I think it'll be totally fine.

I dont think I ever want to buy caramel sauce again, thats for sure.... and I'm thinking much about caramel espresso cakes?!? I think I might make it regularly and use it in coffee, its JUST SO DAMN GOOD.


in other news I've been making silly cards out of cut paper, and its amazingly fun. .. yeah
I didnt make gingerbread tonight, but I really, really should have.

I'm having a bad day. Trying to tell myself one thing that helps.. It doesnt have to continue.... just because I'm having a cranky morning doesnt mean the day is trashed.

So often one bad thing can lead to a spiral of bad things and the day is just shot, but its all in the mindset.
I AM having anger issues, quick and intense spurts of grump.. I'm not sure how I'll combat that, maybe a cup of kava and hopefully a successful naptime.
Will shower, no matter what that means. (hopefully the children dont kill eachother or get hurt). Wish I could soak in a bath with lots of music and an hour vacation away from the kids.

Thats what I've really been wanting, a vacation.
like, two 8 hour days of just... away time.
Like two days where we dont need to do errands and grocery shopping and house cleaning and stuff, but where I can organize my craft room, and clean and SEW and .. hell, maybe do laundry, but I'd rather not do that on "vacation".
can you even imagine? VACATION. woah. its such a huge idea.
I wouldnt mind doing work on the basement project, or the master bath shower... home improvement is nice and fun. I'd love to make a space in the garage to put a work bench.. I'd love to try to make some very simple upholstered furniture... my kids cardboard furniture was going really well, but I ran into a problem when I was trying to upholster it because the staple gun doesnt really work well with cardboard... they just dont grip in it properly. Would like to do some kids furniture for fun, but also just some little upholstered cube ottoman type things.... and maybe later a play kitchen and a nice window seat bench for in the living room. I come from handy roots and seem to be able to do a lot of things when I practice at them...
Also need some solutions for my craft room.


we're thinking about quitting cable, mostly because we're mad at cable. that extra $30 something a month wont really super benefit us, or hurt the cable company so its not a huge deal either way.

ETA:
I keep meaning to get Alice's baby villain laugh on video. It makes me laugh a lot, but I hope she develops a more flattering laugh before she's in school, for her sake.

I bought Laurel an african american Barbie. Now they sit around and talk about skin color differences (the Barbies do, ya know)... I was hoping to just make it seem normal that people look different, but all that seems to come out of this is more pointing out of differences.

I love growing things, have been taking lots of cuttings of things and rooting them, its like botany experiments in my house. considering just taking cuttings off all the rest of petunias from this last year and rooting them, and potting them up.. it'd be faster than growing from seed. should have done geranium, but it might be too late.

Need to brine a turkey, par bake bread, bake pumpkin gingerbread, clean.

So. We dont have any black friends.

It's not because of any sort of anything, its because we simply do not have any friends that have a different skin color. We dont have ANY ethnic friends.

If you live in my little city you probably understand. It's just not hugely integrated right here... Even in my high school there was only a small percentage of ethnic kids.

So, today at the store Laurel said, "Hey mommy! Look! A little dark girl!!! HER SKIN IS DARK!!"
I tried to save face, stating that "if we all looked exactly the same the world sure would be boring." and "skin comes in all sorts of different colors"... but the damage was done and the family that had been spoken about quickly walked away.


So. I mean. Do I need to go out and purposely pick up some ethnic friends? I have a hard enough time making friends as is.. .I dont really need to throw weird pretenses into the situation. Damnit. I guess we need to go OUT more and be around PEOPLE more.


All I can think of is a convo I had with JOOMG! a long while back.

So, anyway, now I need to do some multicultural training I guess.

sigh

it all happens too fast. One minute they're tiny and you're so concerned with how and with what you're going to feed them... and the next minute you realize that you've raised them ignorant when they offend people in a ROSS.

ugh