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Oh! This thing. I remember this thing.

On Fighting.

I have been fighting my whole life. Fighting my genetics, my past, my experience, my perception.. Fighting myself. The thing about fighting is that when it's done ineffectively you're only left exhausted, and disheartened, and with your ass kicked. You have no energy left to protect yourself, let alone to attack back.
At some point your only option is to lay down and accept it, to admit defeat. To be broken and ruined.

Or you could, you know..
learn how to fight.


We enrolled the kids in Karate classes at a local studio here in town. The focus and order, structure and energy of the place makes me grin ear to ear. The kids were unsure of how they would enjoy it, but have quickly begun to not only enjoy it, but also excel at it. As a perk of having two kids enrolled, they offered me free classes. Adult Kungfu with the Gi and the bowing and such, or a much more casual (in clothing and tradition) martial art called Krava Maga.

I considered it, but I got pretty freaked out when I watched sparring videos. This stuff is hardcore, and its scary, and its aggressive. It is everything I am not.
I'd given up the idea of doing it and wasn't asked again if I wanted to try, until a coordinator at the studio sorta corner me and asked if I wanted to and .. completely thrown off guard I had no excuse to throw at her. I said yes, and the very next day I was there.

I've swam laps at pools, gone to the gym and lifted weights or hit the treadmill, or elliptical or cycle .. whatever. I've tried my hand at running... I've played wii fit and dancing games.. I've tried hula hooping and jump rope as fitness plans, but never, before this class have I ever learned to SWEAT.
I sweat freely, and disgustingly. I sweat unapologetically.

I still dont feel more aggressive or assertive in my every day life yet. I dont feel any more prepared to take on an attacker. My main baseline defense is to shriek and flail wildly and ineffectively.. but I am hopeful that overtime training will kick in and somehow fuse the practice to my instincts.

I am happy though.

My genuine self is almost certainly a non-violent hippie sort... Very much not this.. I was afraid I would damage my ideals..
but I haven't.

I can see my genuine self and she likes this a lot.

I'm tired of exhausting myself being ineffective and inefficient. It's time to learn to fight.

Something

Something happened when I started demanding that I deserved things.
Slowly, very slowly, im starting to worthy of things.

A bit ago I decided that I was going to cosmetic remodel my craft room space, and since the money was already earmarked for the project.. The only thing standing in my way was myself. There's a lot of shit that was contained in this room. Too many hobbies, too many boxes shoved full of shit at the last moment before a move. My grandmothers' things from when we cleaned out her craft room when she died.

The room was bad, really unpleasant, and it's been my space.. The rest of the house was made vaguely live able .. But my space was left... Disgustingly dirty because we didn't ever clean it before we moved in.. And it was the first room we just filled with -stuff-


I could go on, and have.. Gone on about the remodel.
The flooring went in last weekend and the process made me feel closer to Joel. We didn't fight, we seemed to appreciate eachother.. And it went smoothly, it felt like a team effort. I kept waiting for the stress but it didn't happen.

Now little needs to be done to finish up, cabinetry to hold all the stuff remains, but for now the plastic bins of stuff will be awkwardly stacked in here to ugly up the place.

But the changes that are occurring are more than the cosmetics of the room. I feel healthier, more whole. I feel amazing that I get to be in a beautiful space.. One that I thought up and orchestrated to the best of my ability.
I feel like this is the sort of space where important work gets done.. Important means.. Whimsical, deep, life changing, inspiring. I'm not embarrassed of this space.

I don't know why but Joel allowed me much more leeway with this space. Thusly it feels like I was able to make decisions, not fearfully worrying if he'll like it or not. It came together fast and well because of that decisiveness that came with the power of ownership.

This feels like a room I can sew wonderful things in.. Write books in, paint and draw. It feels like a room I want to BE in. Very little spaces in our house make me fee like that. I've come to feel that way about our bedroom but it also feels unfinished and crappy.. The rest of the house can feel unwelcoming at times.
But I also feel an insane need to plan out and execute the minutia of a room in order to really own it, and when we bought the house we had a very short amount of time to make it clean and live-able. We've not decorated or customized as much as I think we wanted to yet.

One of those days

It's one of those days. Where everything is so bleak and dark that it feels irreparable. Everything is so broken to bits that no amount of glue could fix.. and not a soul around with that sort of commitment and patience.

I opened Illustrator the other day and got lost in it. It pleased me to see lines and shapes be some thing recognizable. It felt defining again in a way, this is something I Do, something I am. I've not been defined by ability and talents recently. Perhaps by my baseline interpersonal skills that remain even when I'm in crisis mode... my ability to continue to care for my kids.

Everything is crumbling around me. I honestly can't tell when I'm being overly dramatic anymore, because it feels so appropriate to be upset. I think I've been under reacting, walking around numbly for so long that any emotion feels like an over reaction. It feels like an immediate reason to berate myself.

So. I will cry this morning. I will pull it together and put on makeup and volunteer in the third grade classroom this afternoon.. I will come home and go through the motions, attempt homework with the kids and housework and dinner. We will go to the Winter Festival this evening. I will smile at the PTA moms and try to keep my self loathing down where it's mostly invisible.

.. and then I'll come back here, and regret that I spoke words.
It's hard to fade away into obscurity when you speak.
It's hard to be forgotten when your thoughts leak out your fingers too.
Today, I ran.
I walked mostly, and coughed big globs of illness from my lungs, but.. I sprinted when I wasn't doing those other things.

Running feels different since I joined the gym. Wishing I still had the endurance I once had, but enjoying this floating, freeing, speedy feeling. It feels like fleeing in the best way possible.

I'm listening and trying to follow someone else's plan. I am sabotaging myself the whole way through and I see that.

but today.. there were moments where I lost myself.. I was something else.. something faster, sleeker, and better than myself.

My skin looks different, I look older .. Much.
It came on suddenly. I can't stop staring. Aging isn't what I thought it was when I start at it under the microscope as it slowly happens to me. It's not this beautiful graceful natural process. It's actively participating in decay.

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It's 8:30.. My niece and nephew are here. I don't remember knowing that they'd be here today.
It's cloudy..
There's a scheduled raid at 11am. Am not sure if I want to go. Plane of Sky. Easy to mess up, hard to retrieve your corpse.

Was so tired last night I wasn't making sense. Fell asleep around 10pm instead of 1 am. Forgot to turn humidifier on.

Must finish baby quilt for Chris and Caroline's baby. Am surprised one of my male cousins is finally procreating. I feel so much joy for them.

The other things:
I just don't know.
I still do not know.

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Wedding rings and memories

Alice needed cuddles this morning.
She and I talked a lot about many things that felt deep and haunting.
She has a way of cutting right to the heart of matters sometimes. She's 5 after all.

She was holding my hand. She said, "it's nice you keep this wedding ring on." She paused and looked into my eyes for a moment, before absentmindedly playing with the ring on my finger again. She said "it's good dad has his wedding ring to wear, it reminds him that he's married to you."

I said "do you think if he took it off, he'd forget that he was married?"
She nodded her head up and down in a yes motion and said "he's taken it off before.."


And then I cried.

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May. 17th, 2014

Tonight his breathing makes a gentle pop sound with each inhale.i won't sleep until the noise stops, but I don't have the heart to wake him so he can reposition.

Tonight felt bad and heavy. It felt confusing and upsetting.

I've felt valid in my immaturity and my interest in ignoring my emotional health, but times are changing.

I just don't think I can feel the full brunt of the feelings get without completely breaking again.

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Yesterday was beautiful and sunny. I've been flying on a weird manic spree... But last night things took a dip. Life felt bad and heavy and I started crying.
I felt emotional on edge even though I pulled it together. I went to Sally's house and she gave me some crazy crazy beautiful yarn for a shawl I will start soon.
I came home and made a disgusting strong drink. Hmm.

Then I played EQ and it wasn't as fun or funny as I wanted it to be. My emotions feel dull and stupid.

The dreams last night were full of her :( full of me feeling the most vulnerable and her humiliating me publicly... And then there was pain and violence. It takes no dream interpretation at all.

It's May again.
It's the month it all came out and my story was changed forever.

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